Brian interviewed me, then I interviewed him

Brian Comly runs, amongst other things, MindBodyDad, a blog for dads who are properly into health. He interviewed me for his blog and I interviewed him for mine.

Brian asking me the questions

You’ve interviewed fathers from many different backgrounds. What is one lesson that completely changed the way you think about fatherhood?

Good question. It would have to be about time and how short it is. I think about that a lot by remembering a quote one of the dads I interviewed. Actually, this guy was a grandad. He said,

“There's a last time for everything. A last time they sit on your lap, a last time they hold your hand in public. Make the most of it.”

It’s as close to a literal, loving slap in the face as you’ll get. It sorts me out every time.

How has your view of masculinity shifted since starting Being Dads, and how do you see that influencing the way men show up as fathers today?

I’m more aware of the different flavours of masculinity out there. I’ve spoken to so many different dads, from those who subscribe to that classic 80’s alpha stereotype, to climate activists, the work-centric providers, stay at home dads and many in between. Across all of them, I’ve noticed fatherhood forces at least reflection, if not real change. They all want to be the best dads they can, and they all want to be with their kids to some degree. The model of masculinity that’s been imprinted in their brain constraints or enables that change to greater or lesser degrees.

The desire to have a strong connection with your kids as a dad has always been there, though. Studies into the diaries and private lives of Victorian men have shown they have deep feelings of love and a desire to be connected, but society back then was very much about men being distant disciplinarians who never showed emotion, not even in private. Dads wanted real connection with their kids, but it was very much a rarity, which you feel when you look at these pics here. You just don’t expect, nor have you ever seen, images of dads of that era being so….free.

In Victorian times, there was one definition of masculinity. We live in times where that’s fragmenting. There are lots of them, which means there’s a lot more flexibility for men to change as they become dads.

With so many distractions competing for our attention, what do you believe are the most effective ways for a dad to stay truly present with his children?

First, I think it’s important to remember that you won’t always be truly present. That way you go a bit easier on yourself when you slip. Over the years, I’ve found that being hard on myself only makes things worse.

There’s the obvious stuff that’s helpful in building any habits – change your environment to make it easy to do what you want to do. Things like leaving your phone in another room, or putting it on silent, keeping family time for just family time and nothing else.

But the most effective thing, for me at least, is to remind myself I will miss these moments and there aren’t many left. That thought gives me a boost that’s a mix of attention, letting go of other things and cherishing the moment too.

A lot of dads struggle to express emotions or show vulnerability. What would you say to a father who wants to lead with emotional awareness but is unsure how to begin?

Funnily enough, I’ll start with what I said when you asked about attention. Go easier on yourself. There’s a study that shows being more self-compassionate is correlated with having warmer relationships and less conflict with your kids. That and just thinking about it more, both in the moments you feel that internal tension that comes up in moments when you want to be a certain way but don’t feel you can, and at the end of the day when you think back over how the day was and what you could do better next time. This combo of it being at the front of your mind and not beating yourself when you’re not as good as you hoped, really works.

When your kids are grown, what do you think they will remember more—what you told them or how you lived each day in front of them?

How I lived. And that’s a bit of a scary thought to be honest. There’s so much I want to change! But I try to focus on the positives, the areas where I am being a good role model, and I try to remember that life is about working at being better on all sorts of fronts, all the time.

I try not to get hung up about the areas that I can’t change, because they are out of my control. Lastly, I try to remember that how wealthy I am or not, how cool my work is or not, how much stuff we have and how great our holidays are, don’t matter to my kids. What really matters is that I chose to make time to just spend with them. No grand plans, or big activities, just being together, having fun, supporting them, showing them I love them. I know that’s what they will remember, because that’s what I remember about my dad.